Why There Are No Police in Nerima
by RisingSun13
Summary: Everyone agrees-- Nerima is one wierd place. It attracts all sorts of wierd people. But how about criminals? Not in THIS town... A bunch of short stories.
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer:  Umm… sorry? Why There Are No Police in Nerima 

A Series of Humorous (Yeah right) Short Stories 

By RisingSun

Scene:  

A scruffy man wearing a black sweatshirt and faded jeans strolled into the restaurant.  He eyed the affluent little shop, and headed straight for the front desk.  An old woman, leaning on a cane, was tending the cash register.  He pulled out a crow bar.  

"Ok, Ma'am, stick 'em up."  He shoved a bag at her.  "Empty the money into here or I'll conk ya on…"  

He was silenced by a conk on the head, and he collapsed unconscious on the floor.  

The old crone continued to tap on a calculator, and lowered her staff unconcernedly.    "Shampoo!  Order at table seven!"  

"Yes Great-Grandmother!"  A purple haired waitress bounced out of the kitchen with a large pot of steaming tea.  She tripped suddenly and exclaimed  "Aiya!  So sorry!" as boiling liquid descended on the robber's upturned face.  

"Yeeaaaggghhhhh!!!!!"   He scrambled up and ran to the door.  

"Pardon me!"  Ten bowls of freshly prepared ramen crashed down on the would-be thief as he collided with a Chinese waiter with long hair and glasses.  A porcelain duck-training potty finished him off.  

~*~

Scene:

A young man lay in wait behind a tree, watching the playground with utmost care.  A young child would eventually wander away from its parents, unsuspecting into his "welcoming" arms.  He leered disgustingly.  A sweet little girl was skipping right toward him.  Her long hair blew back in the breeze.  He reached forward…

"Hello there, little boy!  Are you lost?"  The girl beamed up at him.  

The young man/pervert blinked at her motherly tone, but soon shook it off.  "Yes, I am lost.  Can you help me find my way?"  

"Sure!  Come with me!"  The girl grabbed his hand and started to run.  

"Hey… I…"  The young man tried to lead the little girl towards his van, but she was surprisingly strong.  "This way…"  

The girl glanced over her shoulder.  "Oooh!  A red car!!!"  She dragged him over to his car.  "Lemme see!  Lemme see!"  She jumped up and down and around and around and around and around…… 

The man sat on the floor, holding his head in his hands.  "Oooh… dizzy…"  Suddenly, the girl lost interest with the car.  

"Ice cream!!!!"  She grabbed his hand and raced toward the ice-cream man.  

"Squid!"  

"Balloons!"

"Teddy bears!"  

"Bubble gum!"  

Three hours later, they were still scrambling around the city following the girl's whims, with the young man still stuck to her, literally, with melted taffy.  Finally, exhausted, the young man collapsed on the sidewalk.  "I'm so tired…."    
  


"Are you alright?"  The girl bent concernedly over him.  "We can sit down for a bit…"  

"Gotcha!!!"  The man sprang up and grabbed the little girl by the arms.  "Now you're coming with ME…"  

The little girl narrowed her eyes.  "Are you a delinquent?  I don't seem to remember teaching you…  I punish all delinquents, you wait and see!"  She pulled out a five-yen coin.  

"AARGHH!!"  The young man was flung back violently.  Groaning, he raised his head.  Where the little girl had been two seconds ago, there stood a voluptuous young woman with long dark hair.  She raised the coin again. 

The man never got up again.  

~*~

Scene:

A tall, middle-aged man with dark glasses wandered about the market.  One hand was in his pocket.  The other one was out and ready to grope in such a way that would make Happosai proud.  There.  He spotted a beautiful blond with a long skirt.  He moved closer.  Closer…  

"Gotcha!"  

Then he blinked.  His hand had closed on empty air.  Was he losing his skill???  Nooo!!!  He tried again.  Missed!  He tried once more!  Aha!  But… something was wrong…  He looked up at the young woman, who looked back at him quizzically.  

"Umm, Miss?  Where are your breasts?"  

"I'M A BOY YOU MORON!!!!!!"  The girl disappeared and a mailbox came flying out of nowhere and landed on his head.  It kicked him a few times and then ran away, screaming, "Besides, YOU'RE UGLY!!!!"  

Undaunted but a bit dazed, the pervert stood up and looked about for more prey.  He spied her coming out of a sweets shop, carrying a bag full of candy.  Certainly, she was wearing very masculine clothes, but there was no mistaking that she was a girl; he drooled staring at her prominent bust.  "Come to papa!"  He raced over energetically.  So close…  

A splash of hot water caught him by surprise.  No matter.  The girl would look excellent with a wet top… He looked up.  

"Jeez… and I thought Happosai was bad… now another old freak…"  A muscular boy with a pigtail frowned down at him.  Sensing that his life was in danger, the pervert tried to creep away.  Unfortunately, he was kicked up into the stratosphere.  

He landed with a thump and a crash.  Suddenly, he smelled a sweet perfume.  He whirled around.  There, on the street corner, was the most beautiful girl in a kimono, sweeping the street in front of a fast food shop.  He crept up silently, and launched his attack.  "Hiya!"  

He missed again!  But now, not only had he missed… the girl had disappeared!  No, wait… there she went, into the store!  He followed eagerly, hands outstretched.  

THWONK!  He came face to face with a gigantic spatula.  

"Hey sugar, store's closed, see the sign?"  Somehow, the girl in the kimono had become a boy in work clothes.  

"Ahem… excuse me, but have you seen a young woman pass by here recently?"  

"Right here."  

"Where?"  

"Here!"

"Where???"

"In your face, jackass!  Are you blind or something?"  

The pervert peered at her.  Come to think of it, there was something slightly feminine about her… 

The kimono girl appeared behind her.  "Everything alright, Miss Ukyo?"  

"Ah ha!  There you are!"  He leered.  "C'mere, toots.  You're such a pretty little thing!"  

The kimono girl blushed.  "Miss Ukyou!  Did you hear that?  He called me pretty!"  

The boy with the spatula frowned.  "You're not a girl, Konatsu.  How many times to I have to tell you?"  

"But I am a girl, Miss Ukyo!  I'm wearing makeup!"  

"No you aren't, sugar.  Look."  He ripped open her top.  "See?  You don't have boobs."  

The pervert was beginning to look nauseous at the exchange.  

"But Miss Ukyo…"    
  


"No 'but's' sugar.  We all know the truth."  

"*Sigh*.  I wish I was a feminine as _you_, Miss Ukyo."  

The pervert crawled away in disgust.  There were no girls in Nerima.  

~*~

Scene:

The bank robber backed away from the teller, machine gun aimed threateningly.  He grinned evilly.  In his backpack was thousands of yen.  A very satisfactory day through and through.  And those security guards had been complete wimps—they had run away at the first sight of him.  He bumped suddenly into someone.  He whirled around, finger at the trigger.  He stood face to face with a teenage girl in jeans and striped sweater.  "Move out Miss, or I'll blow your brains," he growled menacingly.  

She looked at him intently.  "Another one of you, eh?"  

"What's that supposed to mean?" he snarled.  

She raised an eyebrow.  "Trying to make off with my money, mister?"  

"Smart girl.  Now move it."  

She didn't budge, merely crossed her arms and stared at him with half-lidded eyes.  "I'm a customer at this bank, you know."  

The piercing stare she was giving him was slightly chilling, but he felt safe behind his machine gun.  "Big whoop.  I'll give you five seconds to…"  

"Do you know who I am?"  She interrupted him in a low, yet dangerous voice.  

"Who cares?"  Right?  

"My name is Nabiki Tendo."  

"Hah.  And I'm the Emperor of Japan."  Unconsciously, a drop of sweat rolled down his forehead.

The girl tossed her short brown hair contemptuously, a cunning smile spreading slowly across her face.  She repeated, "My name is Nabiki Tendo, age seventeen.  You are holding _MY_ _MONEY_."  

He blinked and looked a little closer.  _Could it be…?_  _The infamous Nabiki Tendo?_  His gun clattered to the floor.  

It was her.  

The room swirled around him in a frenzied chaos, and black shadowy demons rose from the floor.  Fire enveloped him….  "Nooooooo!!!!!!!"

The girl poked the prostrate man with her toe disgustedly.  "And I didn't even have to blackmail this one," she groused.  

~*~

A/N:  Entertaining?  Ok, so I don't know if there are or aren't police in Nerima, but the idea was too good to pass up.  There'll be more, I promise!  C&C please!  (My favorite one was Nabiki ^_^;; ).  


	2. Chapter 2

Scene:  

The crazy psycho chuckled evilly as he clutched his package of bombs.  He was going to kill all teenage boys, as those were the types of creatures that had made his high school years a living hell.  They were alllll going to pay….

He lurked outside the high school gate, waiting for classes to let out.  There—two jocks came walking out of the school.  They appeared to be arguing, but no matter.  The psycho chuckled evilly again, and readied his first bomb.  

BOOM!

He peered around the corner to inspect his handiwork; they should be a charred and bloody pulp just about now.  He gasped:  they were charred, and they were smoking, but they were still standing there, arguing.  

The one in the red shirt snapped, "If you're gonna practice the goddam shi shi hokodan, AT LEAST TAKE IT SOMEWHERE ELSE!"  

The one with the enormous backpack retorted, "Can't take it, Ranma?  To much of a girl?"  

"I wouldn't be talking, P-chan!"  

Furious, the psycho tossed another bomb.  This time, the red shirt merely jumped out of the way, throwing taunts at the backpack.  The backpack stood there, the bomb exploding on his head.  He didn't seem to notice anything.  "Come back here you coward!" he shouted angrily, and gave chase.  The psycho shook with anger.  He stepped out, and tossed his last bomb right between them.  

"Yo!"  shouted the red shirt.  "We're trying to have a fight here!"  

The backpack added, "Try not to let your ball roll into our fight—you could get hurt!"  And with that he tossed the bomb back to the psycho.  

~*~

Scene:  

The thief snuck around to the backyard of the house, and crept onto the porch.  Silently, he slid open the screen door.  There was no one in sight.  He grinned.  This would be easy as stealing candy from a baby.  He headed for the living room.  

"Oh, hello!  I didn't know we had a guest!"  

The thief whirled around, to see a brown-haired, sweet-faced girl in an apron standing in the doorway.  He sneered—like she could do anything about him.  He pulled out his gun.  

"Goodness," she exclaimed.  Good, the thief thought.  Cower in fear before my power!  

"Your gun is so dirty!  Here, let me clean it for you."  Suddenly, the gun disappeared from his hand.  He looked up to see the girl bustling away, cleaning the gun on her apron.  

"Hey…"  

"Would you like something to eat?  I didn't know that Father had invited over a friend, so I'm terribly sorry that I don't have anything fresh right now… I can make you some tea…  Anyways, Father and the rest of them have gone out for tonight—they won't be back until late.  I'm so sorry that he'll keep you waiting."  

The thief grinned.  So it was just the two of them… how convenient.  He'd have this place under his thumb before the hour was out.  "Certainly," he said greasily.  "I would _love_ some tea."  Dozens of evil plans formed in his twisted mind.  

Three hours later, the rest of the family came back home.  The house was quiet, and only the kitchen light was on.  

"Kasumi?"  the younger sister called.  "Are you here?"  A shiny glint caught their eyes.  

The family gasped in horror as light revealed the shininess to be a polished and gleaming gun.  

"Kasumi!"  They raced to the kitchen, stumbling over one another in their horror.  They stopped short in the doorway, shocked at the sight they beheld.  

The girl looked up and smiled cheerfully.  "Meet my new friend, Mr. Kotadai!  He dropped by when you were out, and we've been having the most marvelous conversation!  He knows the most intriguing ways of picking locks and torturing victims!"  Everyone sweat dropped, except the thief, smiled modestly from his seat at the table.  He was surrounded by at least ten empty plates that used to hold the girl's cooking.  "But don't worry, I've showed Mr. Kotadai why it's bad to steal and hurt other people, and he's promised to never do it again!"  

Later on that night, the thief left the cheery home, waving goodbye to the gentle girl who had reformed him with her optimism, morality, and good cooking.  

~*~

Scene:  

Unfortunately, the thief's partner had not been reformed, and she decided to "pay a visit" to the house that had so changed her friend.  But she swore that she would not make the same mistakes: _after_ the delicious meal she would con out of the girl, she would still steal all of their earthly belongings.  

She returned to the house the following night, brimming with evil anticipation.  Inside, she found a girl in the kitchen.  Her hair wasn't as long as his partner had described, but that was alright.  Kotadai never got anything right anyways.  

"Excuse me, Miss," she simpered.  "But I'm a starving traveler—could you please cook me something to eat?"  

The girl's look of shock turned into genuine gratitude for her plea.  "Why, no one's _ever_ asked me to do that before!  Sure I will!  Just sit right here and don't move, and I'll be right back."  She began to prepare something on the stove.  

Ten minutes later, the thief began to feel a bit nauseous from the toxic fumes that came from the stove.  Or was it the trashcan?  She couldn't think straight—the revolting odors twisted her logic.  

"Eat, eat!" urged the girl expectantly.  "Try it!  I invented a new recipe, just for you!"  Getting impatient, she poked a spoonful of the quivering mass into the thief's mouth.  

An hour later, the family returned from a hurried trip to a sushi restaurant (doubtless, they wanted to let the girl have peace and quiet while she played around in the kitchen).  The fumes hit them a block away.  

"Disgusting," pronounced her shorthaired sister.

They entered the kitchen, and froze in shock.  

"Stupid tomboy," muttered the boy with the pigtail, while shaking his head in disgust.  "I KNEW you were gonna kill someone with your cooking one day."  

~*~

Scene:  

The mugger pulled on his mask, shifted his gun, and stepped around the corner.  He leveled his gun at the innocent school girl who had been making her way down the street.  

"Gimme your bag," he barked.  

"Now why would I do that?"  The girl raised an eyebrow unconcernedly.  

"So I can take your money," he spat.  "Now hurry up before I pump you full of lead."  

The girl's eyes narrowed.  "Excuse me?" she asked in a quiet voice.  

"Ya heard me.  I'll pump you full of…" 

"No, no, idiot, the first part."  

"What, I'm gonna take your money?"  

Her expression became deadly.  "Yes, that part.  You plan to take MY MONEY."  She smiled humorlessly.  "That's a funny one."  

The mugger grimaced in anger.  "No more games, little lady, or I'll…" 

"I have a better idea: you give me the money you stole from the little old lady yesterday in the park at 2:37AM, all of it…"

"WHAT????"

"…and I won't tell your boss that you've been stealing half his profits, as well as plotting to get rid of him with that ugly friend of yours."

How… how could she… how could she know that?  What kind of a demon was she?  "Who… who are you?"  

"Nabiki Tendo, at your service.  Or, at least if you pay up before I lose my temper."  

_NABIKI TENDO???_

His gun clattered to the floor as a dark mist enveloped his senses.  Hideous screams chilled his soul as he sunk to the floor, whimpering for mercy.  

The innocent schoolgirl looked at him for a moment, and then rolled her eyes.  "Pathetic."  She continued her walk home.  


End file.
